Picture: NintendoOver the vacation season, we’re republishing a number of the finest articles from Nintendo Life writers and contributors from 2025. This text was initially revealed in October. Get pleasure from!
Within the journal enterprise, the again web page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in wherever else. Some could name it “filler”; we want “an entire web page to make horrible jokes which can be tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”.
We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular function, Again Web page.
Right this moment, Kate is confessing to against the law. However let’s be completely, legally clear right here, simply in case: this can be a joke, and Kate shouldn’t be, in truth, the Louvre thief. Hopefully that is clear.
Okay, so, look, I wasn’t attempting to do a heist. That is all a giant misunderstanding.
See, the Louvre is generally identified for its work, statues, stealing artwork from different international locations, and being onerous to pronounce for anybody who would not have a French tongue. (Loov. Looooov-ruh. Loovuhrrr. Loovurhrh. By no means thoughts.) Additionally, that one actually well-known, wildly underwhelming image of the woman with the mystic smile.
However that is not what I care about with regards to the Louvre. The Parisian pyramid is the one museum on the earth that used 3DSes as their audio guides, and I’ve by no means had the possibility to attempt them! After which, tragically, when the museum discontinued them earlier this 12 months, I believed to myself, ‘Nicely, what are they going to do with all these 3DSes? Put them into the archive, like all of the rejected work that do not draw a large enough crowd? I will not stand for it.’
I used to be going to nab a duplicate of the sport, too — Picture: Nintendo
So, I went to go to the museum. Only a regular go to, you perceive! And sure, I went in by a first-floor window through a ladder, however that wasn’t as a result of I used to be planning to steal issues! I simply needed to beat the crowds. And keep away from the entry value. I imply, €25 to stroll very slowly by a crowd taking selfies with the Mona Lisa? That is the true theft right here.
€25 to stroll very slowly by a crowd taking selfies with the Mona Lisa? That is the true theft right here.
It was totally my intention to stroll over to the data desk, politely ask concerning the 3DSes, and whether or not a caring patron of the humanities resembling myself might make a donation to the museum with a purpose to take one residence, after which as soon as they’d handed me a giant field of 3DSes, I would go away down my particular museum ladder.
However as soon as I used to be in, effectively, the crown jewels had been simply sitting there. I believed to myself, ‘You should buy a variety of 3DSes with crown jewels cash. Possibly you possibly can even afford a single secondhand copy of Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver from CeX!’
Apart from, I had a really capacious tote bag with me.
It wasn’t till I used to be slowly trundling down the ladder again to the streets of Paris that I even realised that I would accomplished a heist, or that no sane particular person on eBay goes to purchase clearly stolen crown jewels.
So, right here I’m, with no 3DSes and too many crown jewels, and other people preserve writing articles about how cool I’m, although crown jewels cannot play Lodge Nightfall or Child Icarus: Rebellion.
Look, I wrote up a comparability:
3DS
Crown Jewels
✅ Is available in many colors
❌ Is available in manufacturing facility colors solely
✅ Take it wherever
❌ Can solely be taken to state events or perhaps a elaborate celebration
✅ Customisable residence menu themes
❌ No residence menu themes
✅ StreetPass!
❌ No StreetPass
✅ Playable in 2D and 3D
❌ No 2D choice
✅ Can play cult basic Zero Escape: Advantage’s Final Reward
❌ Can not play cult basic Zero Escape: Advantage’s Final Reward
As you possibly can see, the apparent winner is the 3DS. It isn’t even shut. And certain, the Crown Jewels make for some very good hats, however I do not even need hats. I wish to play Pullblox, on a commuter practice, with the choice to make my eyes really feel like they’re being peeled from the within!
Crown Jewels do not even have expandable SD card storage, so even when I needed to take them to fancy events or state events, I would need to deliver a separate exterior onerous drive with me for all my video games. Who desires to deliver an exterior onerous drive to a masquerade ball, or the coronation of the brand new monarch? Not me. It’s totally retro.
This might have been me! As a substitute, I’ve simply acquired an unpleasant necklace that does not go together with ANY of my outfits — Photographs: Nintendo
However all shouldn’t be misplaced. I’ve, in truth, began to soften down a few the items, as a result of I’ve a tremendous thought. I could not have a Louvre 3DS, however I do have a standard 3DS, and it is one of many ‘New’ ones with swappable faceplates. I’ve had mine protected by an understated Triforce-pattern plate for an extended, very long time, so I believe I’ve earned a bit of glitz and glamour, have not I?
It seems that gluing 10-carat emeralds to a little bit of plastic is a bit of troublesome, but it surely’s value it. I really feel like a queen, if queens knew what autostereoscopic handheld online game consoles had been. It does make the factor bloody heavy, although.
Oh, and hopefully it goes with out saying, however please do not inform anybody that I did the heist, okay? I actually, actually do not wish to go to French jail. Or any type of jail, actually. I do not assume they allow you to preserve your 3DSes while you’re incarcerated. Thanks.
Picture: Nintendo
Previously of Official Nintendo Journal, GameSpot, and Xbox UK, now you can discover Kate’s writing all around the web. Her newest tasks embody writing for Moonstone Island, a deckbuilding creature-collecting sport, and [REDACTED], which could be very [REDACTED]. Typically she writes issues right here, and typically they’re about cows and crabs.
